BYTHECATHEDRAL

PURPOSE MEANING FREEDOM

Rosie - I don't know if this is legit. If it is - Rosie has a blog.

This blog needs a theme. I know everyone is interested in my latest stalking abilities ( it is amazing what you can do with a car and binoculars), but there must be something more.

I would talk about horrific dating experiences, but they lose that horrific appeal if you weren't actually there. You have to taste the vodka tonic. You have to see the painful expression on my face when he orders another one for me. What is that? Another hour of painful conversation.

I must find a theme.
Until then - look into those binoculars.

Is he dating someone else? You better find out. Why not give him a call? Maybe ten times, but twenty times really does the trick.

I might steal Rosie's idea.

Tired must eat
donut with coffee
love it in the morning
why doesn't
he
have soy milk.

WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR?

Plus Side: I don't have to worry about my bills/my future/what I am going to wear (keeping up with the usual fashion - Are leg warmers & shoulder pads still okay???)

Negative: The world is going to end.

ROME (Reuters) - Pope Benedict's ascent to the papacy took a conclave of 115 cardinals, four rounds of voting and followed a lifetime of service to the

Vatican.

But ask Internet doomsayers eyeing a 12th century Catholic prophecy and they'll tell you it was all stitched up more than eight centuries ago and that judgment day is nigh.

The prophecy -- widely dismissed by scholars as a hoax -- is attributed to St. Malachy, an Irish archbishop recognized by members of the Church for his ability to read the future.

Benedict, believers say, fits the description of the second-to-last pope listed under the prophecy before the Last Judgment, when the bible says God separates the wicked from the righteous at the end of time.

"The Old Testament states: 'believe his prophets and you will prosper -- so believe it. We are close to the return of the Judge of the nations. Christ is coming," wrote one Internet post by the Rev. Pat Reynolds.

"Thank God for the witness of St. Malachy."

IPOD HEAVEN

NEW YORK (AP)  -- The iPod craze has spawned a crime wave in city subways.

Police told the city transportation board on Wednesday that 50 iPods have been reported stolen on the subways so far this year, compared to none during the same period last year.

Cell phone thefts have more than doubled to 165 from 82 last year.

The thefts fueled a 20 percent spike in robberies last month on the subway, officials said. Most thieves are believed to keep the devices, which can retail for $100 to $500.

"It usually has to do with young people taking them from young people," said police Commissioner Raymond Kelly.

Thieves spot people with the telltale white earphones, then snatch the devices and run out train doors. On Web sites, iPod devotees suggest keeping the devices concealed and switching to cheaper-looking earphones.

An average of nine to 10 serious crimes occur daily on the city's subway system, officials said. Kelly called that number "remarkably low" and attributed it to extra police patrols.

LET ME RECAP FOR THE GUY IN THE BACK

I watch America's Next Top Model. It is hilarious and I highly recommend. This week the editor focused on two people:  Michelle and Keenya (sp?). Michelle is bi and always looks like she is about to have a nervous breakdown. Keenya is a black woman. She thinks she is fabulous, and according to the editors is getting fat. *gasp*.

They were both up for elimination, and Tyra held "two photos in her hand"

I am paraphrasing here...Tyra says to both of them.

Michelle, you take beautiful pictures, but the judges feel that you might not be strong enough to handle the modeling world.

Shot of Michelle - her face is red, she has ugly platinum hair with black roots, and she is close to tears. She is ALWAYS close to tears folks.

Keenya - the judges love you, but you are getting fat. * I am paraphrasing *. I hate it, but the modeling world doesn't like fat people. Lose the weight, but be healthy when you start dieting.

We feel that one of you still has potential.

She hands Keenya her photo. She is saved.

Here is what I love. Tyra mentioning several times to be healthy when losing weight. Of course, they should be healthy, but we are talking about models here. It reminded me of a scene in the British version of The Office.

Tim puts Gareth's stapler in some jello ( Gareth doesn't like the way jello moves...). Anyway, David Brent (the boss) comes over and says to Gareth..."Eat it out. There are people starving in the world. *pause* *looks at camera* "which I hate.

Tyra says -  lose the weight - fast. Lose it in a week or two.. *pause* *knows she in on camera * "be healthy about it."

LOVE AFFAIR WITH VALIUM

My doctor gave me some medication for anxiety aka Valium. When I say anxiety I thought she meant "calming down before stalking various individuals". I also thought she meant take it every day.

I took it everyday.

I saw her. I promptly told her I needed some more because I ran out. She asked how that is possible. I said I took it everyday. She said..."You were supposed to take it when you felt anxious". She quickly changed the subject.

I call a couple of days later for some refills...I mention my Valium. She says that it is a "controlled substance" and she doesn't think I need it anymore. I am quiet. I want my freakin' Valium. I never had Valium before, and now I want it back. I say..."I thought it was for anxiety. I never would have taken it every day if I KNEW I wasn't supposed to...

She is silent. She says " Yeah, but I don't think you need it. It is a controlled substance."

We are both silent. We have reached an impasse. She won. She has the power. She holds my fate and possible addiction.
I mumble "I guess it is your call" She responds "GREAT! See you next week."

Damn.

THROWING IT UP AND OUT

Should this post go under boys...probably not. You know every once in awhile someone tells me that I should write it down. My thoughts. I usually say I don't have the patience to write anything.

What I usually do is keep it inside. Even this blog has boundaries. I know it is impossible to believe.

I sent an email. It came out of me. Everything I wanted to say. I just kept writing and writing. I made sure that if my email ever did anything wrong - the email would get sent to myself.

I haven't read over what I wrote. I don't think I can. I think if he ever read it he would say..."wow. so glad we didn't hang out again. talk about issues."

This is fine. I am done. I am done. I am done with him.

I am done with all that was building inside of me waiting for some drug/ alcohol to make it better -neither of which I can afford right now.

It is over. All those nasty thoughts will probably come back, but I feel oddly at peace. I know. I am turning into a teenager. So what? You know what an angst filled teenager can't do legally?? Drink.

Finally I don't need a drink.

Who am I kidding?

maybe just a tiny one.

CUTTING

I have a friend (let's call her Tamie - based on this Oprah woman) who used to cut. I don't know if she still cuts, and I don't think I ever knew what that meant. I would see the scars, and I would witness the fights over where the razor was, but it meant nothing to me. Maybe because I never saw the actual blood or witnessed such depths of self-hatred. That was kept from me, and saved for sessions with her boyfriend. When I was there music would play and happiness reigned. Only hints that something wasn't right when I wasn't there to distract them.

The reason I am bringing this up is because of Oprah. Yes, I know...Oprah. I am not reading one of her freakin' books, but she is doing a session right now on cutting. I am watching this woman about the age of Tamie cutting herself. I can't even watch it - it is just so horrific. There is blood everywhere. I see the scars that I used to see on my friend. I see the utter pain on this woman's face that I would only get a glimpse of  Tamie( when she missed her class), but that is it.

They are having the people come back after "treatment". I am slightly wary because things don't tie up that easily. There is one woman who is a crack addict and has stopped for nine months. Is it that easy?

It is odd how self-hatred manifests itself.
It manifested in some drugs ( can't afford it these days) for me. There was no cutting. It was all internalized. I am trying to think, but I don't think there were any outward signs.

There was an interesting point that was brought up just now - can you believe it. I might have to take a shower after this Oprah session before I can show my face again.
Anyway - back to cutting. I can't understand it. This woman on the show actually punched a door so hard that she bled. Don't know to say...

RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I am a bitch, but it is better than being a stalker right...*silence*.

I saw the guy I really liked -  Continue walking. I think he saw me, and I know he saw the back of me. It was one of those moments where what the hell am I supposed to do? You didn't want to see me...remember.  We aren't friends. In fact - I am not so sure I like you as a person. Am supposed to wave?  Actually I was supposed to get dinner with my friend, but I said no freakin way when I saw him in the window.  Keep walking. Then came the obligatory " Are you sure it was him? Go back and check." I go back and check.  He is leaving and looks out the window...possibly eye contact (it is all hazy at the point) I say "Oh shit. Keep walking." He is behind us - not exactly couple of rows away.

I have done this twice before. Once at college when I was studying abroad and thought that coming back to college for a week would salvage a relationship that stopped existing months before.

I saw my "ex-girlfriend". I was walking down the stairs to smoke a cig...see her. She sees me. I TURN around and keep walking. She promptly tells the person I am staying with the story and hurtful I was. What the hell was I supposed to do? You broke my heart.

Second time: We went out on two dates. The second date wasn't that great. I didn't like him. So - I am at this museum party thing@PS.1 ( happens over the summer in Queens). I see him, and turn around. "Did he see me?" My friend glances over and says..."He is headed this way." At which point I turn, smile ..and say "HI!!!"

Look - if we were dating, and now we aren't talking. I see no reason to say hi. It might make me a child, and it sure isn't in the common courtesy book, but those are my rules.

IF MARTHA FELL IN THE FOREST

Martha info

Oh right - I don't care.
U.S Probation  - looking for something to do?

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - The U.S. Probation Department is investigating whether Martha Stewart violated the terms of her house arrest when she attended a Time magazine dinner last week, The New York Post reported Sunday.

"We're going to do some investigating to see if this event was directly related to her employment," Chris Stanton, chief federal probation officer for the Southern District of New York, told the Post.

Stanton's office, the Post said, had originally approved Stewart's request to go to the event, which celebrated Time's 100 Most Influential People issue, a list that included Stewart.

THE REAL QUESTION

The real question is not...
Is there a God?
Why were we put on this earth?

At least that isn't the question for today.

Oh no. It is - Do you date a guy who is a bad kisser?

I mean, I didn't even bother anymore, he was just licking me. He was licking my lips. It was all wet and weird. He was also trying to feel me up. I felt like I was in middle school.