BYTHECATHEDRAL

HERE WE GO AGAIN

We broke  up. I saw it coming. It was fucking depressing to be together - he had so much shit that was crashing down...

It wasn't a bad breakup. No - "I don't think we work". "I am just not into you."

It was "I need space." I would usually flip out and think fine...you don't like me obviously and throwing this "I need space" bullshit in my face.

Then I heard it. It wasn't that. It was a man who was losing his mind and needed to get it together.

I don't know if I'll ever see him again. Maybe he will get his space, figure shit out, and move to a different country ( this is a plausible solution unfortunately).

For once though - I am letting it go. I am not going to try and change it. We hook up again great. It will be the third time.

Hopefully the timing will work out.

I also need space. Mentally. Fucked up. You know you are in trouble when someone asks to you to remember a proud moment in your life, and you look at them blankly.

Them: There must be something. Graduation? Jobs? Anything?

Me: Fuck-ups don't have proud moments.

silence.

Yeah - I got shit to work out.

MY EX

I've been dreaming about my ex. I don't know why. Our relationship was a train-wreck.

Here are the reasons why I am probably dreaming about him, and why that can't be possible.

1) I love him.
1b) I don't love him. BELIEVE me - there is absolutely no love there. Just pure indifference. 

2) I feel guilt.
2b) I forgave myself a long time ago.

3)Maybe he is getting married and I am getting some premonition.
3b) I don't need to know that.

4) Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
4b) Tell me something  - don't bring my idiot ex into it. 

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAV

 

 VANILLA 4 - SEXY - HOT CHOCOLATE!

Maybe you are as tired of dating your own race as much as I am?  Hey I know most white boys have a bad rap of being 'small' but not here!  I'm just tired of dating girls that I dated all my life; you know the blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm pretty new here from the midwest and there are no exotic women out there.

 

and remember: 'big equipment.'

I am "sexy hot chocolate", and really...I have no words to...explain...how offensive...this post...

This post. That someone has to point out their "big equipment"....as if. exotic..I have no words. No words.

I don't know. I have been dealing with the whole "preference thing", but isn't there a line? You find a particular race EXOTIC?

 
I have been dealing with the whole, "dating outside your race thing". I was talking to someone about it, and she was looking at me as if something was wrong with me. As if I were confused. If I were just around more black men maybe I would be okay.

I don't need to explain myself, but I found myself smiling,  nodding and losing my backbone. Yes, I must be confused. I should be around more black men. Then I would understand that they are better.

Look. I am attracted to black men. I never said I wasn't. I date black men. Dammit. Do I think to myself..."Ohhh. I really want to be white and the only way I can do that is by dating only white men. White men are the best thing EVER. "

You know what even if I did feel that way - it is none of your damn business. This is what I should have said, but like I pointed out - I lost my backbone.

At some point doesn't personality factor in? So you are attracted to a particular skin type or hair color or physique. You don't date everyone like that. You also like certain personalities. I am not going to date a black asshole just to prove something. I am also not going to date any white person that crosses my path...just because they are white.

White men that  go for Asian women. If that is what you find attractive...go for it. I am not going to strap you down and say "You don't know what you like because you are confused." Asian women that find White men attractive? Well. That is sick.

Anyway - I've decided that dating outside your race shouldn't be considered something "weird" or something that needs to be "discussed." That in itself implies that dating that person outside of your race is some freaky thing. You can't possibly find them attractive. You know what we all have a preference. I don't like blond hair. I am not really attracted to Asians. Does that make me racist? No. It is a preference.

If you are jerk as well? I am not dating your sorry self either.

dammit.

OH MY

When I need a good laugh on the weekend I always go to the personals on Craigslist. I don't know what it is, but I get a good chuckle EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Some highlights:

" Now don't get me wrong I enjoy snuggling on rainy days watching tv (I am only human)."

Ugh. It makes me sick to my stomach watching tv on a rainy day. SICK TO MY STOMACH.

I am only human too. Isn't that Kristen Hersh line? Oh wait, it is, "I only have two hands".

 

 Here's what I propose we do. You come over to my pad, we chill, talk, drink, whatever and there is no pressure. Why spend money and time somewhere if you do not want to be there. Besides, we all just want to find a place to talk. We do not have to even get dressed up. Let this be the most laid back 1st date for us.

1) He said "pad". This bothers me. It is personal.
2) He is cheap. It is okay to be broke. Just be up front about it.
3) You are a complete stranger. What world do you live in that some random woman is going to chill at your "pad" if she doesn't know you? Do you not watch Unsolved Mysteries?

Virgin Sugar daddy is looking for First Sugar Girl.

1) What does that mean? I don't understand.

ANDY, I LOVE YOU.

Andy, You're a Star. I love that song. I am pretty sure it is about stalking. I do love my stalkin' songs.

Someone asked recently if I was in love. I proceeded to laugh. The answer is NO. They ask, "Do you like him?" I pause. He is okay. Yeah. I guess.

I think my awful breakup years ago ruined me.

I believed in the "ONE". I believed in happily ever after. Sleeping Beauty. The Prince and Princess dance in the ballroom and fairies change the color of her dress. They argued about the color of her dress...See the movie.

I don't believe that anymore. I don't believe there is someone for everyone. Sometimes you accept that, and pray you aren't visited by little fairies that want to change your dress.

MY BABY DADDY.

We have reached the point where he should come over. I HATE that part. This is how it goes with some of my closest friends.

Friend: Hey, can I come over?

awkward silence

Friend: Hello?

awkward silence

Me: Feel like Pizza? I'm kind of hungry. We should go now. Pizzeria. Heck - let's go to a restaurant.

DEAR ------

On Page 5 of the Common Courtesy handbook there is a template for an email, text message or phone call (but let's face it that won't happen).

There is no excuse anymore for not saying anything.

DEAR _____

Hey!

*I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. I've been really busy. I am sorry but I am just not ready to do the whole "dating thing". It was really great meeting you, and I hope everything works out for you in the future.

take care,

_______________


                                             or

Hey!

*I've been really swamped lately. I am sorry. I've given it a lot of thought and I don't think we work together.  *I am sure you sense the same thing. I hate doing this.

sorry

_____________

• YOU MUST ALWAYS EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVEN'T CALLED OR WRITTEN.
• YOU MUST EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE A MIND READER AND KNOW WHAT I FEEL OR WANT.

AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'

Nothing new to report.  You are in trouble when four glasses of wine and sake doesn't numb you.

BLIND DATE

I go on blind dates. I don't know why I still do this. The reason I started was cuz I wanted to go on dates. I never go on dates, and I thought it would be fun. It ain't fun.

It never ends up going well. The dates never look like the way they are supposed to look. They are...not what I am looking for. So, why do I go on them? Don't know. I'd rather just have a new email buddy, but then it is the inevitable question, "Wanna meet up?"

No. I don't want to meet up. I will be disappointed. You will be disappointed (I don't see how that is possible). Then. We stop talking. Our great conversation - gone. No more.

No. I don't want to meet up.

THE-RA-PY

I am learning a lot from this woman. I am learning to do things effectively.

For example - the Old Me would say, "You are such a jackass."

The New Me says, "You know what? What can you do? You are a complete jackass, but that isn't my fault. You jackass."