BYTHECATHEDRAL

CUTTING

I have a friend (let's call her Tamie - based on this Oprah woman) who used to cut. I don't know if she still cuts, and I don't think I ever knew what that meant. I would see the scars, and I would witness the fights over where the razor was, but it meant nothing to me. Maybe because I never saw the actual blood or witnessed such depths of self-hatred. That was kept from me, and saved for sessions with her boyfriend. When I was there music would play and happiness reigned. Only hints that something wasn't right when I wasn't there to distract them.

The reason I am bringing this up is because of Oprah. Yes, I know...Oprah. I am not reading one of her freakin' books, but she is doing a session right now on cutting. I am watching this woman about the age of Tamie cutting herself. I can't even watch it - it is just so horrific. There is blood everywhere. I see the scars that I used to see on my friend. I see the utter pain on this woman's face that I would only get a glimpse of  Tamie( when she missed her class), but that is it.

They are having the people come back after "treatment". I am slightly wary because things don't tie up that easily. There is one woman who is a crack addict and has stopped for nine months. Is it that easy?

It is odd how self-hatred manifests itself.
It manifested in some drugs ( can't afford it these days) for me. There was no cutting. It was all internalized. I am trying to think, but I don't think there were any outward signs.

There was an interesting point that was brought up just now - can you believe it. I might have to take a shower after this Oprah session before I can show my face again.
Anyway - back to cutting. I can't understand it. This woman on the show actually punched a door so hard that she bled. Don't know to say...

FORGOTTEN DAYS

I was on my feet all day.

I was just reminded that it is my friends birthday today - I was also reminded that this time last year ( time flieeees) we spent it in a very different way. She was still with her boyfriend at the time. I don't know what he is going through, but it must be difficult. I guess it must be difficult for both of them. "The way things were"... God. Breaking up is hell. Why do we do it again and again?! That is for a different post.

Another difference - I am in NYC - last time I traveled to her neck of the woods. I am guessing from the date I was in desperate need of R&R which was supplied and also a ton of fun kicked in.

We haven't talked in forever, but that seems to be the way with us. One time it bothered the hell out of me ( combined with serious PMS which I quickly realized when I got my period after the fact). It was a gruesome, ugly, and bloody fight. If people hadn't stepped in it might have turned physical. Have you ever been so mad you wanted to hit somebody? I was feeling that, and I think she was too.

It ended with a tense ride back to her home, and my quick departure back to NYC. I came back to my apartment and drew a hot bath to get the stench of all that ugliness out of me.

I guess it was just stuff that needed to be said, and I think we are both better friends for it.

People seem to be disappearing. Friends are scattered. Living their lives. Is what happens when we become adults?  People will get married. People will travel. People will get married and travel, and hopefully, we are still in each others thoughts....

I have good friends. I love them to death, and even the ones I haven't spoken to in years ( sometimes I am lazy with correspondence) are still in my thoughts. I guess that means I am an adult. No more blood sisters (that was so unsanitary - what were we thinking?). Just phone calls. Emails. Filled with love.

Now back to my aching feet.